Heartbroken

I could feel the tears slowly gliding down my cheeks as he rode away. The side of me he will not see. How would I continue my stoic façade if I wore my emotions like raindrops on a window? I couldn’t decide between the two of us who was more afraid of the vulnerability of where we were. I guess truth is we are nowhere. That indescribable place in which there is no definition, like one of those crayons in the box with a name like burnt magenta. Is magenta even flammable? I had almost forgot what it was like when the sadness creeps in and soon the tears just flow. How is it we get to this place where the walls are so thick we lose the determination to tear them down? I find myself struggling with my own narrative after spending years in this place of self-discovery, finally to be exposed at four in the morning by the Viking in my bed.

I guess I should feel relieved that someone saw me after protecting myself with shields of outrageous tales that have come to define my character when they were simply stories of events rather than the colors of my character. He saw me as the color pink like the first blush I wore after a stolen kiss in the aisles of Safeway; the assigned color of passion. And the pink of the sky in summer as the sun begins to duck behind the sea casting its hue upon the clouds while the air continues to be warm. And for that moment he saw me as the “real deal” and in that moment he let me go.

I could feel his hands as they slowly loosened their grip and soon I began to slide away. I didn’t reach out nor did he try to regain his hold. He let me go and I let him. Perhaps it was the exhaustion of the hour or maybe it’s just that I didn’t have the strength to protest. Confused by words uttered sweetly while wearing armor. The steel too difficult to hold and too cold to the touch, I guess I had no choice but to let him go.

I have taken flight before so the path is familiar as I glided to the ground. Needing to catch my breath once again before spreading my wings. With no destination or time constraints, I know I will remain grounded for a while with the hopes a distraction will pull me up once again. Or perhaps it’s the warm current I am waiting for that will pull me up to the sky to see again the beauty of what’s around me. But today it’s grey as I listen to the sound of the rain pouring down drowning the sounds of my tears dropping upon my keyboard. I am heartbroken.