A Lap Dance for Jesus

On a typical Friday night I am usually kicking it with my best friend James at some dive. Since we have known each other since before I was old enough to drive I am sure you can imagine how many years of this we have clocked in together. We usually meet up at one of two dives in the financial district in San Francisco and then slowly make our way to the "better" dives of Oakland. For many years, Smitty’s was the bar of choice. Decent juke box, cheap shots, pool table and a great cast of characters. Recently James initiated a change of venue. I was skeptical about this new place until I met Jesus.

There were a few of us gathered around the pool table enjoying our beverages and playing rounds of pool. Then Jesus walked in; a fairly tall, thin white guy with a beard and long straight brown hair. He was the white archetype of Jesus in his white toga and hemp sandals. We were intrigued. I was first to notice and quickly pointed out to James that Jesus was drinking PBR. I was a bit surprised by his beer choice. For some reason I had always thought the son of God would have chosen a better tasting brew, but perhaps he was used to wine and didn’t have a palette for ale. Jesus then sat himself next to the pool table on a bench seat alone directly across from my little posse. We all agreed… Jesus looked sad. Certainly given the state of our planet we could all surmise why Jesus would be sad, and we all felt something needed to be done.

We ruled out buying Jesus a drink since he had just obtained one and buying Jesus PBR in a can seemed a bit sacrilegious. Then my friend Erin began rifling through her purse and pulled out $2, turns to me and says, “you need to give Jesus a lap dance!” And before I could answer, James slaps another $2 on top of Erin’s and says you should do it for $4. Now, just so everyone is clear, I have actually never given a lap dance, but even given my lack of experience I felt I was worth a bit more than 4 bucks. I say no way, minimum is $20. But my friends know me all too well and count on the fact that I can’t say no to any challenge, especially one such as this. How many opportunities in this lifetime do we have to give Jesus a lap dance? I decide I am still worth more than four and let them know that for four dollars I can make Jesus genuinely smile and for $20 I will surprise him by shaking my ass on his lap. And while my friends know me, I also know my friends and I knew they would rather spend their money on more booze than on a dare.

They went for the smile. So I strolled over to Jesus and plopped myself down right next to him. I turn and smile and say, “Jesus, my friends and I were concerned that you seem really sad and thought it might make you happy if I give you a lap dance.” Jesus lets out a little smile as I continue, “they even offered me $4 to do it although between you and I, despite my lack of experience, I think I am worth at least $20.” At this point Jesus begins to point and says, “see that girl in the toga over there?” I nod yes. “She’s my girlfriend, so I will give you $10 if you don’t.” I say deal and take his $10, we are both smiling as I stroll over and grab the 4 bucks from the table. Not bad for a typical Friday night.