A Shade of White

There are moments in life we realize how strong we are. Sometimes it’s in the physical sense such as lifting the sofa bed on moving day. Other times it’s when we realize that as life brings us obstacles, we handle them with dignity and grace. It’s these moments I find myself stuck in my head. I don’t share them. I quietly write about them. Letting myself have that alone time to just be in my head and feel all that I need to feel. I used to be so afraid of my feelings that the only emotion I could really allow myself was anger. I couldn’t imagine ever having any other sense of the world but anger. Dressed in black with my hair some various shade of purple or pink while referring to my Doc Martins as my sole mates. They were, afterall, the only shoes I owned at that time. It’s funny now, I can’t remember the last time I was really angry. Anger gave out long ago to the pity parties I used to throw myself which eventually gave way to the strength I aspire to maintain.

Today I wandered down the same hospital hallway I have grown to know since childhood. Today was different though. There was only paperwork to be signed and other family members to console while I breathed deeply reminding myself to be strong. There were the doctors doing their best to sound professional and optimistic when all of us knew the truth. We had all met here before. We knew the sterile smells, the sound of the nurses voice paging above and even some of the patients. But today was different.

I didn’t speak a word as I listened to all the questions barely audible through the choking back of tears. I looked from face to face to face as the words rallied back and forth. My mind began to drift. I thought about my third birthday. I remembered the Raggedy Ann cake and the banging on the front door. It was the bomb squad. We were to be evacuated. They had discovered 26 sticks of dynamite under the house and now we had to go. My mother refused, screaming that I hadn’t blown out the candles on my cake. I had to make a wish before we left. I remember the men dressed in white as they stood around singing. She had her way… with one exception. There was a giant flashlight lit up in the middle of the cake. And after I made my wish and blew my young breath against the metal, the light was switched off.