Knock Knock

For years and years, I would come home and within minutes there would be a knock at my door. Did I want to hear about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints? For a long time, I would politely say no. Now don’t get me wrong, I have no issues with anyone’s freedom to practice religion. I just prefer that others keep their religion to themselves. I have yet to knock on anyone’s door asking them if they want to hear about Agnosticism and my worship of caffeine.

All this knocking would remind me of being a teenager attending a high school with tons of Mormons. I remember being the Jewish kid and being asked to attend church services. Knocks and notes on my locker daily. For a long time I didn’t understand why I was getting so much attention until I learned that Mormons get some special star in the sky for converting a Jew. While I was friends’ with some kids that were practicing Latter-day Saints, I never did go to temple with them.

I don't know if it is my proximity to the Mormon Temple, I actually have a splendid view of the place I affectionately call Disneyland North, but the knocks were happening at least once a week and some weeks, daily. My patience with the boys in suits grew thin. I went from polite, “no thanks” to curt “no”. And the very next day the knock would happen again. I started to contemplate how I could make this incessant knocking cease. At first I ignored the knocks, thinking that perhaps if I just didn’t answer the door, they would stop coming around. This didn’t seem to help. I even tried reasoning with the guys, letting them know I would never be interested and that they don’t ever need to return. The very next day, a new set of guys would show. I was done; it was time to make this stop.

Just like clockwork, a got home from work and then came the knock. As usual, the question was posed, “did I want to hear about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints?” This time I answered, “Yes, if you want to hear about anal sex?” The young man at the door looked at me and said, “What makes you think we don’t learn about anal sex.” So I answered that I really had no clue what they learned about. He responded that he knew all about anal sex and would be happy to share the churches perspective on this. Damn, foiled by the Mormon! I had no witty response and told him I wasn’t interested. And, of course, a couple days later, the knocks continued.

I had to try something far more extreme. I really didn’t know what I could do. It’s not as if there is a “do not knock” list for Mormons. I was angry and this time when the knock happened, it was a lone, attractive man in the suit and tie. I invited him in to teach me all about Jesus in exchange to listening to my presentation on safer sex. We sat very close to one another as I spoke about sex. The tension between us was palpable. As we got closer and closer, I began to think about how he gets star status for converting me. I started to wonder what I would get if I had sex with a Mormon. Apparently I get peace and quiet. I don’t know what happened to my friend in the suit and tie, but I do know that it has been great; I haven’t had a knock in years.