I told him last night I had wished for 2 more months before the holidays began. I needed time to mend my broken heart. He is silent. He has moved on and we no longer are walking on the same path together. Craving the touch of his hand in mine just as he does when we cross the street. Maybe it was the security I needed that he wasn't abandoning me, at least not this time. He forgot to be my friend in the beginning of all this. At times I felt like I was Sisyphus carrying the weight of our work and him up the hill only to have everything crash down on me month after month. And now I am left with this giant stone.
I used to relish in my alone time, especially during the holidays. Truth is, I have spent many Thanksgiving's alone. My family of birth shattered years ago. I had hoped to have a family to call my own. It was the dream. And now I feel uncomfortable in my skin trying to find a sense of gratitude for all that I have, desperately wanting to stop dwelling in all that I don't. The picture around me is peaceful with the fur family gathered around prepared to catch my tears. And me, I tap away on the keyboard as if to create a peaceful lullaby that will comfort me.
And while I continue to search for words and thoughts to keep my mind from wandering to those dark places, I keep reminding myself that it can't rain forever, even though at the moment I am wishing for an ark.
